Just once
by Lolryne
Summary: He didn't plan anything - he didn't wanted such a thing, at the first place. Or he wanted it too much, but he knew he shouldn't have. Rating R, complete.


**Alright he is my firt Merlin's one-shot, I hope you guys would like it ! Many thanks to archaeologist_d to beta me ! =)**

**Disclaimer** : I own nothing~

**JUST ONCE**

Magic had to be used for the good, and with caution. It was what Gaius had always told him; how powerful you might be, there was no good at using your power in a selfish way.

Merlin was powerful; of course he was. He already was the first time he met Arthur, because he knew magic before he knew the world; he knew how to move things before he knew how to speak. Because every single drop of blood in his veins was nothing, but pure magic. And as he grew up, as he trained, as he learnt from books, he discovered how powerful he was.

He could have done anything. He sometimes really felt as if he could have done anything, just because he wanted to do it. And that was scary, somehow. Because he knew that, if he wanted to, he could have killed Uther, he could have fought against the knights, he could have taken the power. Because everything seemed to be possible, with magic, for anyone who was strong enough – and he was.

But he didn't want to. He didn't want power for himself; he wanted it for Arthur. He wanted him to become the King, and he _knew_ one day his master would run Albion. He would have done anything for his King; he would have given him anything. His life, his trust, his soul.

Because Arthur meant everything. And that was less Merlin's disgust for violence than the love he felt for his master that made him wait, and do nothing, when Uther sentenced the sorceress to death.

But it was driving him mad, slowly. Every time he heard about a new execution, every time he saw a captive begging until the very end to be released – every time he felt his heart beating with panic, a voice in his head whispering that he could do something, he could stop it. But he did not. And then the man died, and everyone left.

It was after an execution that it happened.

He didn't plan anything – he didn't wanted such a thing, in the first place. Or he wanted it too much, but he knew he shouldn't have.

He loved Arthur – he loved him so deeply he didn't even think it was possible; he loved him so much that it hurt, sometimes. And he knew Arthur loved him too, even if it wasn't the same way. Arthur would have given his life for Merlin -he already proved it too many times. He would have done anything, whatever he said, to make his manservant happier. Because sadness didn't suit him, Arthur said.

And so when Merlin kissed him, he didn't wait too long before kissing him back. They both knew Arthur didn't love him this way, but it was easy to pretend, when he caressed him; it was easy to believe that maybe he did, when he undressed Merlin. It was easy to think that, if he enjoyed it enough, maybe he would want to do it again, and again, and again, until he fell in love with Merlin. So Merlin made sure he enjoyed it, even using magic, slowing time to be able to see him better, because it also might be the first and the very last time.

They felt asleep together.

In the morning, Merlin woke up first. He didn't dare move, waiting for Arthur to wake up too, and just managed to give the prince an anxious smile when his eyes opened. Arthur blinked, frowned, stayed quiet some seconds, and Merlin knew he was asking himself « What the hell is Merlin doing in my bed? », or something like that. Then Arthur mouthed a « Oh. » before he could stop himself, and Merlin managed a laugh. It was better to laugh than to cry, to call Arthur an idiot and pretend he was better -thanks to you my Lord- than to feel his heart breaking.

Arthur did love Merlin. Enough to sleep with him without the slightest attraction, just to comfort him, because he could not stand his manservant being that sad. He loved him enough for that, he loved him enough to give him his life, he loved him enough to pretend. But he did not enough to really want to kiss him, he did not enough to feel good with Merlin in his arms.

And that was painful, it was hurting so badly, that Merlin didn't even know how he managed to look better, to joke as he brought back his clothes. It would not happen again, never, but that had to be good, and Arthur was _not that bad_. Arthur threw his pillow on Merlin, looking half-vexed, half-relieved to see that Merlin was better. He was laughing too, but uneasy, and Merlin felt him flinch when he dressed him

Merlin stopped, but Arthur hurried him, and it was clear all of it was fake.

They could not pretend. They were both too awful a liar to pretend.

Merlin smiled, slighty, and just looked at Arthur.

« What... ? » Arthur asked after a moment, unsure.

« I love you » Merlin whispered, and it was the very first time he said it aloud : « you will never know how much I love you. »

Arthur bit his lip, unable to answer, and Merlin knew what it meant.

« Merlin... »

« That's okay. Don't worry. » He smiled again, looking downat his hands while he adjusted the jacket. He was feeling better, strangely. « Here, you're ready ! »

« Merlin - »

« That's okay ! Just... forget about it, okay? » That was the better thing to do, and he didn't want to lose Arthur's friendship.

« I don't think I can just forget. »

Merlin looked up again, and smiled. « You will ». He took Arthur's head in his hands and, carefully kissed his lips again, then his forehead. And Arthur just let him, eyes closed. « I swear you will ».

Arthur did not understand the next few words Merlin whispered. Merlin released him, and Arthur kept his eyes closed a long time before he opened them. There was Merlin, smiling at him, and he could not remember a thing.

« … What were you saying again? »

« That you were ready, sir. »

« Where's my breakfast? » Arthur frowned, looking around him.

« Err... I forgot it. »

« You... idiot. »

Merlin smiled.

« Prat. »


End file.
